The Invisible Filters That Shape Every Conversation

One thing that happens in communication is how two people can hear the same words and walk away with two completely different interpretations. People still don’t get this which always makes me smile.

The thing is one person leaves a conversation feeling supported, other leaves feeling criticised.

To go further one person hears a challenge, another hears a lack of trust.

Think about management styles one person believes the manager was being clear and direct, another believes they were being abrupt.

The words may have been the same!

What changed was the filter each person was listening through; we all have them.

They are of course shaped by our experiences, confidence, values, personality, previous relationships, successes, failures and, sometimes, the kind of day we are having.

I think sometimes how you feel is like the weather in the UK, every morning you have no idea what you may be waking up to.

Yet when communication goes wrong in the workplace, we often focus entirely on the words that were spoken. Yet it’s what is not being said that is key. Not easy to do and something I spend a lot of time concentrating on when I teach coaches. It is not easy to do by the way and takes time. Look here at my coaching services

In This Article You Will Learn

In this article, we will explore how personal experience and perception shape workplace communication, why misunderstandings happen so easily and how leaders, managers, trainers and coaches can improve conversations by becoming more aware of the person in front of them.

We Do Not Hear Words in Isolation

As far back as school communication is often presented as though it is simple.

One person speaks, another person listens, basically a message is passed from one to the other.

In reality, it is far more complicated, we do not hear words in isolation, we hear them through everything that has happened before.

Imagine a manager says:

“Can we have a quick chat about your work?”

One employee may think:

“Great, perhaps they want to discuss my progress.”

Another may immediately worry:

“What have I done wrong?”

The reality is that the manager has used the same words.

The reaction is completely different; this then affects your attitude and behaviours.

That reaction may have very little to do with the manager and everything to do with previous experiences.

Perhaps they once worked for a manager who only asked for a chat when something was wrong.

Perhaps they lack confidence or under pressure, or perhaps they simply interpret the phrase differently.

This is why understanding people is such an important part of leadership and management.

Communication is never just about what we say, it is also about what the other person hears it can be very confusing.

Past experience has a huge influence on how people respond in the present, a person who has previously been blamed may become defensive very quickly.

Or someone who has been overlooked may interpret a lack of feedback as another sign that they are not valued.

A manager who has repeatedly been let down may begin expecting the worst before a conversation even starts. We carry so much from previous experiences into new situations, often without realising it.

That does not mean we are being difficult, it means we are human.

Over the years, I have seen people react strongly to situations that seemed quite small on the surface. When you take time to understand what sits behind that reaction, it often begins to make sense. Time being a key thing.

The behaviour may belong to the present moment, the emotion may have been building for years.

This is one of the reasons leaders need strong coaching and listening skills, the first reaction is not always the whole story.

Confidence Changes What We Hear

That word Confidence again, this also acts as a filter.

A confident employee may hear feedback as useful information, someone who is already questioning their ability may hear the same feedback as confirmation that they are failing.

A confident manager may welcome challenge, a manager who feels exposed may experience that same challenge as a threat.

This is why giving feedback is not simply about choosing the correct model or saying the right words. You also need to understand the person receiving it.

Managers are often taught how to deliver feedback, I am not sure they are always taught enough about how people receive it. We cover all of this on our Management and Leadership courses.

I am very fortunate to have specialised in relationship coaching with my MSc in executive coaching and again in my Coaching Supervision and organisation consultancy degree. There is no doubt relationships are everything in every organisation in every sector.

Personality Influences Communication

We also have very different communication preferences, for example -

Some people think out loud, others need time to reflect. Some want the detail; others want the overall picture.

Some appreciate direct language; others need more context and reassurance.

None of these approaches is automatically right or wrong. The problem begins when we assume that everyone prefers communication in the same way that we do.

A direct manager may believe they are being clear, a reflective team member may feel rushed. Or a manager who likes detail may overwhelm someone who needs the main point first.

A quiet employee may be viewed as disengaged when they are processing everything carefully.

We often judge people through our own preferences.That is one of the biggest barriers to truly understanding them.

A lot of us know this but do we give intentional focus on this? To be honest not many do.

Assumptions Fill the Gaps

Then there is assumptions, whenever we do not have the full story, we tend to fill in the gaps ourselves.

Someone does not reply to an email, we assume they are ignoring us. Someone is quiet in a meeting; we assume they have nothing to contribute. Someone questions a decision; we assume they are being negative. Someone misses a deadline, we assume they do not care.

Sometimes those assumptions are correct. Often, they are not.

There could be pressure we do not know about, is it confusion or confidence? There could be a simple misunderstanding.

The danger is that once we assume, we often begin treating it as fact. Then we move into change of tone, which then affects our behaviour which then creates a rupture in the relationship.

Curiosity Helps Us See Beyond the Filter

This is where curiosity becomes so important, curiosity slows down judgement.

It gives us a moment to ask:

“What else could be happening here?”

“What might I be missing?”

“How has this person interpreted what I said?”

“What experience might be shaping their response?”

Curiosity does not mean avoiding difficult conversations, it does not mean accepting poor performance or lowering standards.

It means taking time to understand before deciding what action is needed, that is a very different approach from jumping straight to a conclusion.

In coaching, we create space for people to explore their own thinking.

In leadership, we need to create similar space.

Not every conversation needs a solution in the first five minutes.

Sometimes the most useful thing a manager can do is listen for long enough to understand what is being said. It is about discipline and listening.

The Same Message Does Not Work for Everyone

One of the most common mistakes in workplace communication is believing that a clear message will land in the same way with everyone.

The fact it will not.

A company announcement may excite one person and worry another. A new opportunity may feel motivating to one employee and overwhelming to someone else. A change in process may feel straightforward to a manager but deeply uncertain to the team.

This does not mean communication needs to become complicated.

It means communication needs to become more thoughtful.

Leaders should not only ask:

“What do I need to say?”

They should also ask:

“How is this likely to be heard?”

That small shift can completely change a conversation.

Why This Matters for Leaders and Managers

Most workplace problems are not caused by a complete absence of communication.

They are caused by communication being misunderstood. The manager believes they have been clear, then the employee believes expectations were never explained.

The trainer believes the group was disengaged, and the learners believe they were not given enough opportunity to contribute.

The leader believes people are resisting change, the team believes nobody has listened to their concerns.

Everyone may believe their version is correct, that is the challenge.

Understanding people does not mean agreeing with every interpretation.

It means recognising that different interpretations exist.

Once we understand that, we can begin having much better conversations.

Can We Remove Our Filters?

Our filters are part of who we are.

They are shaped by our lives and experiences, and we are all different. But we can become more aware of them.

We can notice when our experience is influencing a current situation, we can question our first assumptions, we can ask rather than guess.

We can listen for meaning rather than simply waiting to respond.

We can recognise that the person in front of us may be hearing something very different from what we intended. If I say school, there are many different interpretations and feelings, it is not the same for any two people.

That awareness is a huge part of emotional intelligence, leadership development and effective people management. It is also one of the areas we need to teach far more. I cover a lot of this on the coaching courses.

Frequently Asked Questions

What causes communication problems in the workplace?

Workplace communication problems are often caused by assumptions, different communication styles, past experiences, unclear expectations and people interpreting the same message in different ways.

Why do people interpret the same message differently?

People interpret messages through personal filters shaped by confidence, personality, values, culture, experience and previous relationships.

How can managers improve workplace communication?

Managers can improve communication by listening carefully, checking understanding, avoiding assumptions, adapting their approach and asking how a message has been received.

What is emotional intelligence in leadership?

Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand and manage your own emotions while recognising and responding effectively to the emotions and behaviour of others.

How does coaching improve communication?

Coaching encourages curiosity, listening, reflection and better questioning. These skills help managers understand people more clearly and reduce misunderstandings.

Why is active listening important for managers?

Active listening helps managers understand what is being said, notice what may not be said and respond to the real issue rather than making assumptions.

Final Thoughts

Every conversation is shaped by more than the words we use.

It is shaped by the person speaking, the person listening and everything each of them brings into the room. It is all data.

That is why communication can never be reduced to a script. The awareness to recognise that people may not hear what we intended.

The curiosity to check rather than assume, and the ability to adapt our communication to the person in front of us.

Because the words may be the same, but the filters rarely are.

This is the second article in our Understanding People series, exploring the human skills that sit behind effective leadership, coaching, management and workplace performance.

The next article will look at The Cost of Assumption at Work.

If you would like to learn more about our Leadership and Management programmes, Coaching Services or Train the Trainer courses, we'd be delighted to help.

Contact us here on Tel 0800 302 9344 or via the link below.

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